Say it Better

Four Ways to Make That Human Connection We All Want

Sometimes I self-sabotage in talking with others, especially those I do not know well, then feel badly afterwards.  There’s no going back yet these four insights have helped me connect better with others… sometimes.  Such as when I actually practice them.

1. Be the Same Person Around Everyone

“I am so used to having two faces,” observes Lee Daniels, the producer/director of Precious. “A face that I had for black America and a face for white America. When Obama became president, I lost both faces. Now I only have one face. But old habits die hard, and sometimes I can’t remember who I’m supposed to be.”

We tend to feel most at ease with people who look and act right – like us. Beyond “likeness” and context (what else is going on in a situation), you’ve probably noticed another factor that affects your behavior. Some individuals “make” you act grumpy, sarcastic, remote or otherwise difficult while others bring out your best side. 

Useable insight

 You may feel more congruent, authentic and face less conflict if you can be that “better side” of yourself no matter whom you are around. Plus people are more likely to like you – and that makes life easier.

2. Inspire Others by Your Passionate Belief in Their Best Talent Then Follow Through to Prove It

“One day, I was walking on Houston Street in Manhattan,” remarked Helen Mirren, “and because there were a lot of holes in the road, I was looking down at my feet. I got a tap on the shoulder, and I jumped. 

This mad-looking man with wild dreadlocks says, ‘I love you and I have a movie I want you to do.’ I thought, this is a complete madman, I’ll never hear from this person again. Ninety-nine percent of the people who approach you this way are living in a fantasy world. But Lee (Daniels), due to his charm and belief, makes his fantasies real. He doesn’t hear ‘no.’ ” 

Daniels persisted in recruiting Mirren to act in Shadowboxer, and, after seeing his other movies and listening to his vision for the movie when he followed with her, she agreed.

Useable insight

Few things can inspire other’s allegiance that your recognition of their worth and your offer to let them use their best talent – with you.

3. Think Before You Speak

To say the right thing that can build a connect, first T.H.I.N.K. suggests Mark Beeson who believes that “The right thing said the right way at the right time has a chance of connecting... otherwise, we can expect to swing and miss.”  In what you are about to say,

Is it True?

Is it Helpful?

Is it Important?

Is it Necessary?

Is it Kind?

Yet, despite your best intentions, “you're not in control of others.They may not respond the way you want or expect. Keep casting your net... sometimes you end up connecting with an unexpected person. Perhaps, that's where you should have been all along, says Mark Meyer.  

Useable Insight

Hold tightly to practicing connecting with others, especially when you want to scream and run away and hold lightly to the outcome.

4. Don’t Let Someone’s Misrepresentation Callous You Against Others’ Apparently Similar Actions

Yes, I admit that is a hard-to-follow headline yet this story and resultant lesson may make it relevant - and worth your while.

The man who was crouched on the sidewalk at 68th and Broadway in New York City was one of the most pathetic souls I’d ever seen,” wrote Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness.  “His limbs were twisted in what appeared to be arthritic agony and tears were streaming down his face. “Please,” he whimpered. “Please, somebody help me.”

“My wife and I stopped. The man looked up. “Please,” he sobbed. “I just want to go home.” My hand needed no guidance from my brain as it reached into my wallet and extracted $10. “Thank you,” he said as I handed him the money. “Thank you so much.” My wife and I mumbled some embarrassed words and walked on.

We hadn’t gone a block when she tugged my sleeve. “Maybe we should have gotten him into a cab,” she said. “He could barely stand up. He might need help. We should go back to see.” My wife is the patron saint of lost kittens and there is no arguing, so we went back to see. And what we saw 

The Palpable Power of a Speaker’s Repeated Phrase is Like a Heart Beat for Us, the Audience

A potent way to connect with an audience is to get them in sync with you. Quickly. Then they’ll root for you, want to literally be moved by you. Rhythmic speaking, punctuated with a repeated phrase can be that emotional gateway between your heart, as a speaker and theirs, as Michael Reed James demonstrates so powerfully.

Whether you are a leader, trainer or business owner, you can reinforce your core concept by repeating a relevant phrase.  Then they are more apt to recall it.

Remember how Obama’s campaign phrase, "Yes, we can” so captivated some actors that they co-created a video using it?

If you are a public speaker, look at the “thread” or central theme of the most popular story you tell from the stage. Distill it to a word or phrase.  When you repeat those words at key points in your talk and bookend your talk by setting up your story and ending it… with a pause to say those words, your audience may join in saying them with you. 

Notice how Michael sets up his story with his first Knock Knock, then pulls in his activated audience at the end. 

I want to know this young man, to follow the arc of his, to share his performance with you because his message and his talent moved me.  In his spoken word poetry, he is emotional and strong. He calls us to join him in choosing to demonstrate good character, to love, to live a productive, full life yet he is not didactic.  He uses his own story to bring out the best in us.

As a speaker what more could you ask of yourself?  

TWiST #21 with Mark Goulston [Bonus #3]

TWiST #21 with Mark Goulston [Bonus #3]

Posted using ShareThis

Marines and journalists are alike in some ways, especially as compared to civilians I realized by reading Jeffrey D. Barnett’s column on post-war life.   We expect clear, direct, accurate communication. Civilians’ roundabout talk frustrates us.

Journalists need the illuminating example, the “hook” upon which we hang the story. Yet most people talk in generalities.  Soldiers can’t waste time on such fluff. Reporters have deadlines.  Yet in the civilian life, notes Barnett, “everybody swaps stories and chats at work, but not on a deadline.”

Lives often depend on soldiers’ quick and clear communication. All journalists and their bosses who assign stories expect brevity and swiftness in assigning the story so maximum time can be spent on getting it done. We take orders. Give our word to get things done.

That’s why, in civilian life as a corporate division leader, I was incredulous when confronted with the amount of time people spent in meandering meetings and, worse yet, when individuals did not keep the agreements they made in those meetings  - and were not embarrassed nor held accountable. 

Then, of course, there’s the other conundrum, Barnett brings up that confounds journalists and soldiers: What punctuality means to some people in civilian life - and how different company cultures actually tolerate - even expect  - tardiness, and divided attention from the top executives.

When we want to be productive we soldiers and reporters yearn for accountability. When talking, keep it short and simple.

Now I will get off my high horse and admit that there are downsides to such direct communication, as Dianna Booher suggests.  This communication expert and wife of an Army colonel, describes the military style as:

• Direct, to-the-point

• Non-emotional, detached

• Loud

• Forceful

• Prompt (in responding to questions)

• Decisive (in charge)

• Commanding, demanding, telling (not asking)

• Declarative statements (not questions)

• Rigid body language (at attention)

• Blank, non-expressive facial expression

Such an approach, I know first hand, can appear harsh and unfeeling to civilians – even to the wives of soldiers.

Relatedly, there’s the continuing friction between the techies and the sales folks, the scientists and the promoters. 

What are your communication hot buttons and how have they been reinforced or eased by the kind of work you do? 

Self-deprecation, Twitter Vengeance and More on Speaking

Here are three quick lessons for speakers and audiences from this week in our ever more Connected World.

 1. Self-deprecation can evoke humor and create a bond with the audience when done right. “It is a privilege to be here tonight to open for Lady Gaga,” said President Obama, in opening his speech at the Human Rights Campaign dinner.  

Consider, as well, how Hugh Grant bolstered his likeability in many of his movies, including Four Weddings and a Funeral, by evoking self-deprecation. 

Albert Einstein was once introduced to the eighteen-month-old son of a young friend. The infant looked into the physicist's face and began to bawl. Responded Einstein, "You're the first person for years who has told me what you really think of me."  Kien Dag notes, “The smartest people I know are also the most humble, making others comfortable by downplaying their abilities.”

2. In this Twitter-powered world:

• Speakers may get live audience feedback whether they want it or not.

• Audiences can engage in their own conversation about the speaker.

• A speaker may be unaware of what’s happening in the audience. Ah mortification.

• A mob psychology can erupt, causing ever more vicious (or positive) waves of Twitter commentary to roll out.

This incident brings a whole new meaning to “higher education.”  

3. Attendees should be able to absorb the meaning of a slide in three seconds or less.  So suggests Nancy Duarte who offers a Glance Test in her book.  

Tip From Monty Python’s Argument Clinic

As you see in this hilarious sketch from Monty Python’s Flying Circus, disagreements get worse when people can’t even agree on what they are arguing about.

In fact, many arguments start when one person does not feel heard and/or understood by the other person such as this interview-turned-contentious-conversation between fighter Floyd Mayweather and interviewer Brian Kenny.  

Then we talk at cross-purposes or on different topics, attempting to get the other person to talk about what’s really important – to us.

Hint:  Especially when things turned heated with someone first prove to that person that you heard what he said.

Then, without appearing condescending, probe for the underlying concern.

Why is that helpful?  Because problems seldom exist at the level at which they are expressed. 

Until you understand their main concern you will not know the best way to address it.

By probing, you show interest in their views. You increase the chances that he will be open to hearing your response.

But not always.

Two other things struck me again from watching the python sketches - is the high level of civility – even during an argument and the colorful yet not profane use of language.

BTW, to celebrate Conflict Resolution Day on October 15^th why not start thinking of a critic or adversary. What is the main thing you genuinely respect about that person on who is difficult for you?  Send that individual a postcard, writing vividly and specifically about that quality. Who knows? you might get on a roll and write four such postcards. 

How to Help Your Critic’s Argument Sway Others

Arnold Schwarzenegger violated a cardinal rule of persuasion. 

Never disagree or respond to an accusation by vividly characterizing the bad thing you are protesting or otherwise countering.  

That reaction just sticks the bright, negative image in people’s minds.  The oft-cited example of this truth is, “No I don’t beat my wife."

California’s state budget and economy are cratering. This week The Guardian even dubbed California a “failed state.” 

What did (usually media savvy) Schwarzenegger say in response to critics? "There is people [sic] that sometimes suggest that the American Dream, or the Californian dream, is evaporating. I think it's absolutely wrong. I think the Californian dream is as strong as ever."

The most specific and thus the most vivid word picture in his statement is “evaporating.”  “Wrong” and “strong” are generalizations. 

The specific proves the general but not the reverse.  Specifics are more credible and memorable.  

The bank, for example, that advertises, "We are the people who care" will not be as credible nor memorable as the bank that announces, "We are now open Saturdays for your convenience."

When you want people to remember and repeat what you say, use a specific word picture, contrasting scenarios or other comparisons or concrete offer, deadline or other action.

The Power of Plain Language and Horrible Consequences of Complexity

Imagine requiring all health insurance policies be written at an eighth-grade level so we could actually understand them – and compare our options.  Well Rhode Island passed a law to do just that.

Complexity often hides our real options.

And healthcare reform options would be much easier for citizens to understand and chose if Congress set that same standard for itself even though it is not a panacea. Ron Ashkenas elaborates on the power of plain language.  That way, it would be much harder for special interests to hide stuff in proposed legislation. 

Is He Lying When He Won’t Look You in the Eye?

Remarkably people in 75 countries believe the top way you can spot a liar is that the person won’t look you in the eye. Contrary to common belief, that’s not true. You are more likely to be able to detect lying by looking at the whole face.  People avert their gaze in conversation for many reasons, most of them innocent, according to social psychologist expert Dr. Mark Frank.

Ignore some of the myths detecting lying such as “shifty eyes or sweaty brow” and look for the “cracking” of an expression to briefly display the underlying or true emotion that “leaks” onto the face.”

One of the most common is a micro-expression or “cracking.” That’s when someone is expressing sadness for something then, when pressed, displays a flash of the true, underlying emotions: anger and disgust.  That is how he really feels about the situation.

Both Paul Ekman (as described in Blink) and Stephen Porter have cited this behavior as an indication of deceit.  Unfortunately one must practice looking for those brief moments. 

Unlike Ekman and Porter we cannot video the moments in our life to review, frame-by-frame, yet we can be trained to better recognize those flashes of hot emotion someone is attempting to hide. “Ekman reckons your accuracy in detecting an attempt at deception ‘will increase from chance to 70% or better’".  

Yet, “the best liars tend to be the least troubled by their dissembling and produce the fewest outward clues," acknowledges Ekman.  There are times I’ve wished that I could have had a thermal-imaging or other detection device handy.

Ending on an up note regarding reading faces, your smile helps your mood.  It also uplifts those around you and the people with whom they come into contact. Emotion is contagious up to three degrees of separation.

How to Learn Faster and Remember More

It’s sunny outside yet you’re stuck studying. You must know this stuff for tomorrow.  It gets worse. Your smart aleck friend walks by saying “You know you’ll only remember ten percent of what you’re reading right now.”   She’s citing an oft-repeated study that shows that, six weeks later, you’ll only remember four percent of what you are passively learning by reading.  

Yet that familiar study has been debunked. Or rather there never was a study that showed people remember:

10% of what they read

20% of what they hear

30% of what they see

50% of what they see and hear

70% of what they write and say

90% of what they say as they do something with the information

 “People do NOT remember 10% of what they read, 20% of what they see, 30% of what they hear, etc.,” learning expert, Will Thalheimer emphatically explains.

So the percentages aren’t proven yet the levels for accelerating learning are. You do learn faster and remember more when you move from passive to active, meaningful, repeated engagement in what you are learning.

Your Useable insight

You’ll learn more and remember it longer when you:

• Actively and repeatedly practice what you are learning, as you are learning it, and when you continuously relate it to something concrete that matters to you. 

• Teach others what we are learning.

So, skip the percentages and speed your learning by adopting the methods described in Dale's Cone of Experience.  After learning this it may be helpful to sleep on it.