You want to discover how to tell a story, sell or further your cause?
Nothing beats telling the story others are eager to retell. Combined with listening to This American Life, and The Prairie Home Companion, reading Jesse Kornbluth's reviews and watching Smith become many characters telling the story, this can be your free, pleasurable way to discover your voice and practice telling your story.
Probably Katie
Holmes and Tom Cruise did not realize, when they named their daughter Suri,
that it meant “pickpocket” in Japanese or “stop it” in Toruba.
While Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s son’s name Zuma means "peace" in Arabic, in the obscure Aztec language of Nahuatl it translates as "Lord frowns in anger."
Just think of
names that are distinctively American. Mary Lou. Bernie. Grace. Alfred. You know your name has a huge influence
on how others see and treat you.
And that’s just considering the implications in English. In an increasingly Connected World names are pregnant with awkward or inspiring global possibilities. While the Danish name Kare means “dear” I was told in Istanbul that it meant “square” in Turkish yet neither Behind the Name nor First Name Meanings found a meaning in any other language.
Wonder what your name means?
Or don’t worry about
it. Who knows? That name may lead
to their moment of fame – and wouldn’t that be very American? Expecting
parents, if you are cautious, don’t let your unwitting infant be vulnerable
to unexpected ribbing later on.
Give her or him a name that travels well around the world. Find out what
your favorite names mean in other languages before you make a final
choice.
Sometimes I
self-sabotage in talking with others, especially those I do not know well, then
feel badly afterwards. There’s no
going back yet these four insights have helped me connect better with others…
sometimes. Such as when I actually
practice them.
1. Be the Same Person Around Everyone
“I am so used to having two faces,” observes Lee Daniels, the producer/director of Precious. “A face that I had for black America and a face for white America. When Obama became president, I lost both faces. Now I only have one face. But old habits die hard, and sometimes I can’t remember who I’m supposed to be.”
We tend to feel most at ease with people who look and act right – like us. Beyond “likeness” and context (what else is going on in a situation), you’ve probably noticed another factor that affects your behavior. Some individuals “make” you act grumpy, sarcastic, remote or otherwise difficult while others bring out your best side.
Useable insight
You may feel more congruent, authentic
and face less conflict if you can be that “better side” of yourself no matter
whom you are around. Plus people are more likely to like you – and that makes
life easier.
“One day, I was walking on Houston
Street in Manhattan,” remarked Helen Mirren, “and because there were a lot of
holes in the road, I was looking down at my feet. I got a tap on the shoulder,
and I jumped. This mad-looking man with wild dreadlocks says, ‘I love you and I
have a movie I want you to do.’ I thought, this is a complete madman, I’ll
never hear from this person again. Ninety-nine percent of the people who
approach you this way are living in a fantasy world. But Lee (Daniels), due to
his charm and belief, makes his fantasies real. He doesn’t hear ‘no.’ ” Daniels
persisted in recruiting Mirren to act in Shadowboxer, and, after seeing his
other movies and listening to his vision for the movie when he followed with
her, she agreed.
Useable
insight Few things can
inspire other’s allegiance that your recognition of their worth and your offer
to let them use their best talent – with you. 3. Think
Before You Speak To say the
right thing that can build a connect, first T.H.I.N.K. suggests Mark Beeson who
believes that “The right thing said the right way at the right time has a
chance of connecting...
otherwise, we can expect to swing and miss.” In what you are about to say, Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Important? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind? Yet, despite your best intentions, “you're
not in control of others.They may not respond the way you want or expect. Keep
casting your net... sometimes you end up connecting with an unexpected
person. Perhaps, that's where you
should have been all along, says Mark Meyer.
Useable
Insight Hold tightly
to practicing connecting with others, especially when you want to scream and
run away and hold lightly to the outcome. 4. Don’t Let
Someone’s Misrepresentation Callous You Against Others’ Apparently Similar
Actions Yes, I admit
that is a hard-to-follow headline yet this story and resultant lesson may make
it relevant - and worth your while. The man who was crouched on the sidewalk
at 68th and Broadway in New York City was one of the most pathetic souls I’d
ever seen,” wrote Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness. “His limbs were twisted in what
appeared to be arthritic agony and tears were streaming down his face.
“Please,” he whimpered. “Please, somebody help me.” “My wife and I stopped. The man looked up. “Please,” he
sobbed. “I just want to go home.” My hand needed no guidance from my brain as
it reached into my wallet and extracted $10. “Thank you,” he said as I handed
him the money. “Thank you so much.” My wife and I mumbled some embarrassed
words and walked on. We hadn’t gone a block when she tugged my sleeve. “Maybe
we should have gotten him into a cab,” she said. “He could barely stand up. He
might need help. We should go back to see.” My wife is the patron saint of lost
kittens and there is no arguing, so we went back to see. And what we saw 2. Inspire
Others by Your Passionate Belief in Their Best Talent Then Follow Through to
Prove It
Continue reading "Four Ways to Make That Human Connection We All Want" »
A potent way
to connect with an audience is to get them in sync with you. Quickly. Then they’ll
root for you, want to literally be moved by you. Rhythmic speaking, punctuated
with a repeated phrase can be that emotional gateway between your heart, as a
speaker and theirs, as Michael Reed James demonstrates so powerfully.
Whether you
are a leader, trainer or business owner, you can reinforce your core concept by
repeating a relevant phrase. Then
they are more apt to recall it.
Remember how
Obama’s campaign phrase, "Yes, we can” so captivated some actors that they
co-created a video using it?
If you are a public speaker, look at the “thread” or central theme of the most popular story you tell from the stage. Distill it to a word or phrase. When you repeat those words at key points in your talk and bookend your talk by setting up your story and ending it… with a pause to say those words, your audience may join in saying them with you.
Notice how
Michael sets up his story with his first Knock Knock, then pulls in his
activated audience at the end.
I want to know this young man, to follow the arc of his, to share his performance with you because his message and his talent moved me. In his spoken word poetry, he is emotional and strong. He calls us to join him in choosing to demonstrate good character, to love, to live a productive, full life yet he is not didactic. He uses his own story to bring out the best in us.
As a speaker what more could you ask of yourself?
Marines and journalists are alike in some ways, especially as
compared to civilians I realized by reading Jeffrey D. Barnett’s column on
post-war life. We expect
clear, direct, accurate communication. Civilians’ roundabout talk frustrates
us.
Journalists need the illuminating example, the “hook” upon which
we hang the story. Yet most people talk in generalities. Soldiers can’t waste time on such
fluff. Reporters have deadlines.
Yet in the civilian life, notes Barnett, “everybody swaps stories and
chats at work, but not on a deadline.”
Lives often depend on soldiers’ quick and clear communication. All journalists and their bosses who assign stories expect brevity and swiftness in assigning the story so maximum time can be spent on getting it done. We take orders. Give our word to get things done.
That’s why, in civilian life as a corporate
division leader, I was incredulous when confronted with the amount of time
people spent in meandering meetings and, worse yet, when individuals did not
keep the agreements they made in those meetings - and were not embarrassed nor held accountable.
Then, of course, there’s the other conundrum, Barnett brings up
that confounds journalists and soldiers: What punctuality means to some people
in civilian life - and how different company cultures actually tolerate - even
expect - tardiness, and divided
attention from the top executives.
When we want to be productive we soldiers and reporters yearn for
accountability. When talking, keep it short and simple.
Now I will get off my high horse and admit that there
are downsides to such direct communication, as Dianna Booher
suggests. This communication
expert and wife of an Army colonel, describes the military style as:
• Direct, to-the-point
• Non-emotional,
detached
• Loud
• Forceful
• Prompt (in
responding to questions)
• Decisive (in charge)
• Commanding,
demanding, telling (not asking)
• Declarative
statements (not questions)
• Rigid body language (at attention)
• Blank, non-expressive facial expression
Such an approach, I know first hand, can appear harsh and unfeeling to civilians – even to the wives of soldiers.
Relatedly,
there’s the continuing friction between the techies and the sales folks, the
scientists and the promoters.
What are your communication hot buttons and how have they been reinforced or eased by the kind of work you do?
Here are three quick lessons for speakers and audiences from this
week in our ever more Connected World.
1. Self-deprecation can evoke humor and
create a bond with the audience when done right. “It is a privilege to be here
tonight to open for Lady Gaga,” said President Obama, in opening his speech at
the Human Rights Campaign dinner.
Consider, as well, how Hugh Grant bolstered his likeability in many of his movies, including Four Weddings and a Funeral, by evoking self-deprecation.
Albert Einstein was once introduced to the eighteen-month-old son of a young friend. The infant looked into the physicist's face and began to bawl. Responded Einstein, "You're the first person for years who has told me what you really think of me." Kien Dag notes, “The smartest people I know are also the most humble, making others comfortable by downplaying their abilities.”
2. In this Twitter-powered world:
• Speakers may get live audience feedback whether they want it or
not.
• Audiences can engage in their own conversation about the speaker.
• A speaker may be unaware of what’s happening in the audience. Ah
mortification.
• A mob psychology can erupt, causing ever more vicious (or
positive) waves of Twitter commentary to roll out.
This incident brings a whole new meaning to “higher education.”
3. Attendees should
be able to absorb the meaning of a slide in three seconds or less. So suggests Nancy Duarte who offers a
Glance Test in her book.
As you see
in this hilarious sketch from Monty Python’s Flying Circus, disagreements get
worse when people can’t even agree on what they are arguing about.
In fact,
many arguments start when one person does not feel heard and/or understood by
the other person such as this interview-turned-contentious-conversation between fighter Floyd
Mayweather and interviewer Brian Kenny.
Then we talk at cross-purposes or on different topics, attempting to get the other person to talk about what’s really important – to us.
Hint: Especially when things turned heated with someone first prove to that person that you heard what he said.
Then,
without appearing condescending, probe for the underlying concern.
Why is that helpful? Because problems seldom exist at the level at which they are expressed.
Until you understand their main concern you will not know the best way to address it.
By probing, you show interest in their views. You increase the chances that he will be open to hearing your response.
But not
always.
Two other things struck me again from watching the python sketches - is the high level of civility – even during an argument and the colorful yet not profane use of language.
BTW, to celebrate Conflict Resolution Day on
October 15th why not start thinking of a critic or adversary. What
is the main thing you genuinely respect about that person on who is difficult
for you? Send that individual a
postcard, writing vividly and specifically about that quality. Who knows? you
might get on a roll and write four such postcards.
Arnold
Schwarzenegger violated a cardinal rule of persuasion.
Never disagree or respond to an accusation by vividly characterizing the bad thing you are protesting or otherwise countering.
That reaction just sticks the bright, negative image in people’s
minds. The oft-cited example of
this truth is, “No I don’t beat my wife."
California’s
state budget and economy are cratering. This week The Guardian even dubbed California a “failed state.”
What did (usually media savvy) Schwarzenegger say in response to critics? "There is people [sic] that sometimes suggest that the American Dream, or the Californian dream, is evaporating. I think it's absolutely wrong. I think the Californian dream is as strong as ever."
The most
specific and thus the most vivid word picture in his statement is “evaporating.” “Wrong” and “strong” are
generalizations.
The specific proves the general but not the reverse. Specifics are more credible and memorable.
The bank, for example, that advertises, "We are the people who care" will not be as credible nor memorable as the bank that announces, "We are now open Saturdays for your convenience."
When you want people to remember and repeat what you say, use a specific word picture, contrasting scenarios or other comparisons or concrete offer, deadline or other action.
Imagine
requiring all health
insurance policies be written at an eighth-grade level so we could actually
understand them – and compare our options. Well Rhode Island passed a law to do just that.
Complexity often hides our real options.
And healthcare reform options would be much
easier for citizens to understand and chose if Congress set that same standard
for itself even though it is not a panacea. Ron Ashkenas elaborates on the power of plain language. That way, it would be much harder for
special interests to hide stuff in proposed legislation.
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